The Curmudgeon


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

David Cameron - Vampire Hunter

Tagline: Should be funny. Bloody isn't.

Teenage Dave lives a simple, hardworking life at his parents' farm, Blairmore. One day he discovers that his father is engaged in morally questionable activities involving offshore blood banks. Horrified, he spends several years trashing restaurants, during which he acquires a comedy sidekick named Gideon.

On the night that will change his life forever, Dave is embroiled in yet another ethical disagreement with his father. The venerable old man has just pronounced the film's key line, "Calm down, dear" - when a horde of vampires, enraged at his prudence in business, burst in and devour the entire family. Only Dave survives, thanks to his rubber-ring neck for which common girls despise him but which the monsters' fangs are unable to penetrate.

Haunted by his loss, Dave drifts around the country seeking his family's killers and carrying the Tesco Junior Achiever badge which is his only clue to their identity. In prisons, benefit offices and the UK Border Agency, he finds and destroys nests of bloodsuckers whose depredations are being abetted by various British-accented British ethnic minority actors. Eventually, working as a janitor at the Carlton Club Church, Dave is reunited with Gideon and together they are taken on by Lord Sheffield, who farms trophy wives and relishes Dave's agricultural bent.

Drawn from miles around by Dave's sanguinary reputation and luminous purple face, vampires descend on the farm and carry off Lord Sheffield's grandchildren, Ivan and Nancy. Dave manages to induce one of the trophy wives to rescue Nancy, then flees to the local children's hospital waving Ivan's drained corpse as proof that he means no harm.

The hospital staff are initially friendly and helpful. However, in a fiendish twist it is revealed that they are all vampires, as are many of the patients who claim to have been injured in industrial accidents for the sole purpose of stealing other people's blood. An immense battle ensues, during which Dave's family are avenged, the country's soul is saved and Dave himself learns that sacrificing others is usually more necessary than sacrificing oneself.

David Cameron - Vampire Hunter is in no way a rip-off of Abraham Lincoln - Vampire Hunter. The protagonist of the latter film is a based on a statesman who contributed to ending slavery in his country.


  • At 6:46 p.m. , Anonymous Madame X said...


  • At 11:09 p.m. , Blogger Philip said...

    Thanks. Should you wish to invest in a film version, I am open to financial incentives.

  • At 6:26 p.m. , Anonymous Madame X said...

    You should set up an account at chipin or


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